Salt Mine Exchange

A One-Act Play

by

Christopher Woods

 

Scene - A Personnel Office
Characters - The Official - no set age, male or female.
The Applicant - no set age, male or female.


OFFICIAL
What I'm saying is this. The job requires a certain sociability.

APPLICANT
How do you define that, "certain?"

OFFICIAL
The usual. Nodding, winking, basic friendliness. Outgoing is a plus.

APPLICANT
I see.

OFFICIAL
Doesn't mean you have to be that way away from here, you understand. It's really not so bad. It's pretty good, in fact.

APPLICANT
Is that all?

OFFICIAL
What kind of attitude is that? Pretty good is as good as you can expect when you're working. It's a job. Jobs are never more than pretty good. If it was any better, if it was fun, the chances are good that it wouldn't be a job. You'd be loafing. Understand?

APPLICANT
No, what I meant was, is that the only job you have?

OFFICIAL
Who do you think you are, anyway? Too good for it? Listen, better men than you have worked this job. For less money, too. I'd say I'm doing you a favor.

APPLICANT
I don't mean to degrade the job, really. I was just thinking you might have something else.

OFFICIAL
Like what?

APPLICANT
I don't know. Something with a little less sociability, maybe. Yes, I'd like that. You see, I'm not too fond of people. I'd rather not see them. Ever have a job like that?

OFFICIAL
Yes and no. It takes a very special kind of person.

APPLICANT
I'm that.

OFFICIAL
Are you?

APPLICANT
Oh yes, very much so. I'd much prefer to go that route.

OFFICIAL
That's what you say. You aren't the first. Everyone's wise these days. Everyone knows best. Oh boy.

APPLICANT
But is there a job like that?

OFFICIAL
If there is?

APPLICANT
I'd give it a good try. Really, I would.

OFFICIAL
You'll have to. To last, I mean. Most don't last over a few weeks. Some, they go it a few months.

APPLICANT
Then what?

OFFICIAL
Beats me. They just crack, through no fault of their own. Sometimes they're carried away.

APPLICANT
It's that bad?

OFFICIAL
Why do you ask if it's what you want?

APPLICANT
I didn't mean to ask. I'm sorry. I guess I'll take it.

OFFICIAL
Wrong. It will take you. Takes them all.

APPLICANT
I'm strong.

OFFICIAL
Makes me happy, I tell you.

APPLICANT
What are the hours?

OFFICIAL
Doesn't matter. Just get the work done.

APPLICANT
If I finish early, can I leave?

OFFICIAL
No. There's no leaving this job once you start. Sleep if you like, though. Walk around if you don't go too far. But no leaving.

APPLICANT
What if I get sick?

OFFICIAL
Hope that you don't. There's no one to tell. You are your own boss. Talk to the boss. Isn't that what you want, to be left alone?

APPLICANT
Sure, but...

OFFICIAL
Then you'll take it? Tell me now, tell me now.

APPLICANT
Sure.

OFFICIAL
That's it. That's all there is. Any family?

APPLICANT
No. Not here, anyway. At least I don't think so.

OFFICIAL
Sure about that?

APPLICANT
I thought I did, but I'm sure I don't. No, I don't.

OFFICIAL
Glad to hear it. It's better if you don't, I always like to say. Less distractions. Distractions are bad in your kind of work.

APPLICANT
Wouldn't want any, to be honest.

OFFICIAL
I like your attitude.

APPLICANT
Then I've got it?

OFFICIAL
Why not?

APPLICANT
That's great. I feel like celebrating.

OFFICIAL
If you do, keep it to yourself.

APPLICANT
Oh?

OFFICIAL
Listen to me. Someone like you can harm sociability in the others. Can't have that. Bad stuff all around. Before you know it, everyone would want to be alone. Everyone would want your job. Bad. How would things get on, continue?

APPLICANT
I see your point. I don't want to make trouble. I'll celebrate as quietly as I can.

OFFICIAL
See that you do. We try to think of everything. It takes managerial ability. It takes what some would call genius.

APPLICANT
Certainly seems like that. I'd say it was. Is. Yes, I'd say so.

OFFICIAL
I like a company man.

APPLICANT
I'm that. You can count on me.

OFFICIAL
I can see that. You won't mind, then, consenting to a wee operation? Essentially a painless piece of surgery?

APPLICANT
It depends. What's the operation?

OFFICIAL
We take something. Not much, I tell you. Just what we need. Something you won't need once you've started working for us. You do want the job, don't you? Isn't that what you said?

APPLICANT
Yes, but...

OFFICIAL
Are you some kind of wise guy or what? Didn't you tell me you wanted the job? Didn't you? Hell, lots of people want this job. I don't have to give it to you. You're wasting my time.

APPLICANT
Oh no. Don't misunderstand me. This is just the job I want. The job I've been dreaming about.
It's just that...

OFFICIAL
It's just nothing. Right? Then it's settled. Just sign here. (HE pushes pen and paper across) We have very fine doctors, let me tell you.

APPLICANT
I'm sure you do. Tell me, will I be seeing them, after the operation?

OFFICIAL
Hardly. After they're done with you, you won't care about seeing them. And they won't need to see you. This lobotomy business is really streamlined these days. You'll hardly notice. (HE points to paper) Sign it. Now.

APPLICANT
(Signing) There. You know. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Why, the opportunity.

OFFICIAL
I think I can. Because it's so strange. They all say the same thing.


BLACKOUT

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Christopher Woods has published a collection of stage monologues, HEART SPEAK, and a prose collection, UNDER A RIVERBED SKY. His photography is included in a gallery at THE TEXANA REVIEW - http://www.moonbirdhill.exposuremanager.com/ which he shares with his wife, Linda. He lives in Houston and in Chappell Hill, Texas.