Confessions of a Tea Party Activist
Whoa, dude, check out that guy over there...look at him...he's got a gun. There's another one...and another. Man, this is so cool! Just goes to show you, America is all geared up for a revolution...Have you seen Rush Limbaugh around? He's supposed to be here. So are Bill O'Reilly, Pat Robertson, and Karl Rove. Talk about grassroots, huh? This is as grassroots as tea parties get...Dude, there's a guy with an assault rifle. That is totally awesome. We've got the liberals running scared now.
Man I wish Keith Olbermann would show up. I'd give him a beat down he wouldn't forget. Actually, I'd like to punch out all those MSNBC lefties, including Rachel Maddow...God, I am so pumped right now. No, it isn't because I've been sniffing glue. I'm just pumped.
Good thing Nancy Pelosi isn't here. I'd wipe that frozen smirk right off her face...Oh, dude, you gotta see this sign...check it out check it out...It says President Obama is a communist. That is so right on...What's that? You think Obama is a Nazi and a communist? Yeah, and he's probably a Maoist, too...Hey, maybe Barack Obama is Adolf Hitler! You think? Hell, yeah, Obama is Hitler and a Maoist...Hey, remember the video that proved Bill Clinton was a serial killer? Now we've got Obama and his government-sponsored death panel. Another serial killer.
Grab a sign and strap on a sidearm, dude. The Tea Party Movement is about to start busting heads...We're not gonna take it anymore. We're against...against...What is it we're against..? Aw, it doesn't matter...Hey, don't huff all the glue, man. Save some for me.
Good turnout today, huh? Must be at least a million people here, give or take nine hundred and ninety thousand...Did you hear what that guy just said? Obama wants less wiretapping. Can you believe it? He wants less overseas military bases and fewer prisons, too. No way. We need more prisons. Where else can we put all the liberals after we arrest them? Dude, this country is going to hell. The president is not only a commie, he's a socialist Arab commie. He was born in Kenya, you know...Hell yes, I'm sure. That's why he won't he show us his birth certificate.
Man that glue is some good stuff. My heart is beating as fast as a coked-up hummingbird...How long do you think this tea party's gonna last? I gotta be home by six. That's when Glenn Beck's nightly history lesson comes on...Hey, I hear some folks refused to pay the $549 ticket price for the convention. And they thought Palin's $100,000 fee for the keynote address was too high. That's bull crap. She's worth every penny. So what if she writes on her hand.
Quiet down a sec, I wanna hear what she's saying...It's some kind of anti-education speech, I think...Sarah's telling us to pull our kids out of school...She says they're being brainwashed by all that evolution crap. Good idea, sister! No more school! And bring back the Ten Commandments...Man, she is so hot. Ann Coulter is hot, too. But not as hot as Sarah.
What'd she say? Bury ObamaCare with Kennedy? Right on, baby...Hey, I just saw her wink. Sarah Palin winked! Did you see it, man? Really, she winked...Damn, dude, you missed it...Hey, check out that guy out over there wearing the Obama T-shirt... He's got some nerve. This is a National Tea Party Convention. Let's go kick his butt. Yeah, let's knock the stuffing out of him...He doesn't look so tough. He's probably a fag.
Aw, I'm just messing with you, man. I'm just pulling your chain. I don't feel like fighting. I'm having way too much fun...Here, give me another snort of that glue...Hey, didja hear we're gonna dump Earl Grey into Santa Monica Bay tomorrow? How do I know? Glenn Beck said so. We're gonna fill the whole bay with tea, just like they did during the Civil War. Or the Revolutionary War. It was one of those wars, anyway. That'll show those knee-jerk bleeding-heart liberals we mean business.
Whoa, I just remembered why we're here. We're pissed off about bailouts and bank failures and the deficit, right? We're outraged over the tax rate rising 3% for millionaires. It's all Obama's fault. Government is too big. Spending is out of control. Individual freedom is at risk. The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Dude, we'd better get some more of that glue. It's gonna be a long four years.
Tim Martin is the author of There's Nothing Funny About Running, The Legend of Boomer Jack, Why Run If No One Is Chasing You? and Wimps Like Me. He has three novels due out this year: Scoutís Oaf (Cedar Grove Books), Summer With Dad (Eternal Press) and Third Rate Romance (Whispers Publishing). Tim has also completed nine screenplays, has co-authored a TV reality show, Foreclosed (in development at The Idea Factory) and is a contributing author to numerous Chicken Soup for the Soul books and literary journals. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org