Jesus Responds to a Backlog of Emails

By

Dorene O’Brien

To: Bill Gates
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Merger

Hi Bill,

Sorry it took so long to write back but my Vista keeps crashing. Is this the best you can do? I don't mean to sound arrogant, but let's face it: I am the son of God. It is a sad day when the son of God can't check his email. Don't even bother to ask about Yahoo until you clean up the Vista package.

JC
________________________________________________________________________

To: George Bush
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: WMDs/Ergent!

Dear George,

Well, it's over now so why don't you just relax and have a julep? Listen, I wasn't ignoring you, but 200 prayers in less than a week? C'mon. I told you that I can only do so much. I mean, even I can't see things that aren't there.

Yours,
Jesus
________________________________________________________________________

To: The Grim Reaper
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Inquiry

Hey Grim,

You signed the contract. I have it right here and I type from it directly: "Two weeks' vacation, cloak and scythe allowance, travel required." None of this is news. I don't understand why suddenly you're tired of wearing black, globe-trotting, reaping. Frankly, your email makes no sense. What would you do with health benefits anyway? Listen, I don't care if you change things up a bit, breathe new life into the job (no pun intended), but I don't want to know about it. Last thing I need is the Big Guy hearing about you harvesting in Hawaiian shirts and flip flops. Bottom line: a hiatus in the soul chain and you're toast.

Seriously,
Jesus
________________________________________________________________________

To: Mel Gibson
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: The Passion of Christ

What did I think of the movie?! Jesus, Mel, I finally get the Jews off my back and you start this shit again? They're headed your way next, pal. Your punishment will come when you least expect it: maybe a flood, maybe a hangnail, maybe a drunken slur to a Jewish cop on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Keep the faith anyway,
Jesus
________________________________________________________________________

To: Dick Clark
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Contract

Hey Dick,

I forwarded your message downstate, if you know what I mean. You struck the deal with him, and since I'm not familiar with the terms I can't say if he rescinded early. If it's any consolation, people were starting to get suspicious.

Best Regards,
Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Katie Holmes
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Question

Dear Katie,

Yes, he's crazy, but I still love him and you should too.

Love,
Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Mrs. Loretta Wade Hickam
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Wonder!

Dear Mrs. Hickam,

That is not me in your peanut butter sandwich. I swear.

With love,
Jesus Christ
_______________________________________________________________________

To: Arnold Schwarzenegger
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Future Aspirations

Arnie,

Mr. Universe, the Terminator, Governor of California: when is it going to end? I say now. I promise that when the final signature is being added to the Constitutional amendment allowing foreign-born people to run for president of the United States, I will immolate everyone in the building. Try me.

JC
________________________________________________________________________

To: Elvis
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Not yet!

Dear Elvis,

I think we've been very clear about our feelings on this. Sure, the Big Guy loved the blue suede shoes and the outfits, the sideburns, the hippy dance, but you've ridden the wave of favoritism long enough. What's so compelling about Saginaw anyway? Plain and simple: get your affairs in order. He wants to party with you.

Love,
Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Mrs. Elizabeth van Bosch, De Lotto Netherlands
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: You@*#ve won $3,ooo,ooo.oo!

Dear Madam:

You're in big trouble, and I mean trouble with a capital T. I can assure you I've never entered a lottery in Holland or anywhere else; you see, my luck has never been very good. Waiting for you in hell: a steel seat suspended over a fiery chasm enclosed in a sweltering furnace insulated with thermal blankets. And I've forwarded your email to spam@uce.gov.

How do you like me now?
Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: The Jews
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Holocaust

Hello,

Clearly you have been either ignoring or misunderstanding my previous messages, so let me be blunt. My crucifixion is on the Romans and the Holocaust is on the Germans. There is NO connection.

Truly,
Jesus Christ
P.S. What's with all the museums? Oy!
________________________________________________________________________

To: Donald Trump
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Right-hand man

Dear Mr. Trump,

Once and for all: I am the son of God.

Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Bernard Madoff
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Fwd: Forgiveness

Bernie,

The Big Guy forwarded this to me. Say what you want, but He's a real joker. You want forgiveness? For what? Snookering the impressionable elites, involving your sons in a Ponzi scheme, refusing to acknowledge my existence? After you return the money and force your bloated carcass through the eye of a needle, we'll talk.

Jesus "I Am Real" Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Snoop Dogg
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Whattup!

Yo Snoop,

For the record, The Big Guy's not too fond of being called G-O-Double D. It's at the very least a misspelling and at the very most grounds for an ass roasting (not my words). I don't know what frizzle clizzle boom-diggity trizzle means.

Sorry,
JC
________________________________________________________________________

To: Nadya Suleman
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: Just one more!

Nadya,

There is no other way to say it: within one hour your womb will shrivel like a 2-year old prune baked in a 500 degree oven. Will it be painful? I hope so. Yes, this is the seldom- seen nasty side of Jesus Christ. I hope you're happy.

Sincerely,
Jesus Christ
________________________________________________________________________

To: Barack Obama
From: Jesus Christ
SUBJECT: Re: A Little Help!

Hi Barack,

What happened to "Yes We Can"? Listen, you got yourself into this and you'll get yourself out.

Your friend,
Jesus Christ

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Dorene O’Brien's work has appeared in the Connecticut Review, Carve Magazine, the Chicago Tribune, Clackamas Literary Review, New Millennium Writings, Detroit Noir and others. She has won the Red Rock Review’s Mark Twain Award for Short Fiction, the New Millennium Fiction Award, and the Chicago Tribune Nelson Algren Award. She has also won the international Bridport Prize and have received a creative writing fellowship from the National Endowment for the Arts. Her short story collection, Voices of the Lost and Found, won the National Best Book Award in 2008. You can read more of her fiction at www.doreneobrien.com