The Fear of Monkeys - The Best E-Zine on the Web for Politically Conscious WritingThe Proboscis Monkey - Issue Twenty-Two
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The Proboscis Monkey: photo from Charlesjsharp of  Sharp PhotographyThe Proboscis Monkey or long nosed monkey is a reddish brown arboreal Old World monkey that is endemic to the southeast Asian island of Borneo. They also go by the Malay name monyet belanda (Dutch monkey) as Indonesians remarked that the Dutch colonisers often had similarly large bellies and noses. Males have a maximum known weight of 30 kg while Females weigh 7 to 12 kg, with a maximum known mass of 15 kg. The large nose of the male can exceed 10.2 cm in length and hangs lower than the mouth. They live most commonly in coastal areas and along rivers. They favour dipterocarp, mangrove and riverine forests. It is perhaps the most aquatic of the primates and is a fairly good swimmer, capable of swimming up to 20 m underwater and have been known to swim across rivers. They have a long coat; the fur on the back is bright orange, reddish brown, yellowish brown or brick-red. Their face is orange-pink and the male has a red penis with a black scrotum. Both sexes have bulging stomachs that give the monkeys what resembles a pot belly and many of the monkeys' toes are webbed. Females become sexually mature at five years old and copulations tend to last for half a minute with both sexes participating although now always successfully. Perhaps this is because the male will grab the female by the ankles or torso and mount her from behind. It likely doesn't help that when soliciting sexual attention, both sexes will pouted, the males will sometimes vocalize, the females will present their backsides, and mating pairs are sometimes harassed by subadults. Proboscis monkeys eat primarily fruit and leaves, but will also eat flowers, seeds and insects to a lesser extent. Their daily activities consist of resting, traveling, feeding and keeping vigilant. As night approaches, the monkeys move back near the river and forage again. The proboscis monkey is assessed as Endangered and its total population has decreased by more than 50% in the past 36-40 years to 2008 due to ongoing habitat loss and hunting in some areas. The largest remaining populations are found in Kalimantan; there are far fewer in Sarawak, Brunei and Sabah.


Rocky And Bullwinkle Discuss Their Presidents


B. Craig Grafton

Rocky and Bullwinkle were drinking in a bar.

Bullwinkle said, "You know what I was just thinking about Rock?"

"You thinking Bullwinkle. Now that's scary."

"I was thinking about all the presidents that we have lived through."

"Now that is scary Bullwinkle. Don't tell me, I don't want to have flashbacks."

But before Rocky could say anything further, Bullwinkle got going. "First I remember is Kennedy. No telling who he was screwing figuratively and literally to get himself killed. Then LBJ who didn't want to be the first president to lose a war so 50,000 American boys had to lose their lives. Then Tricky Dicky, 'I am not a crook', Nixon. Yeah. Right dick. Then Ford, a recall. Carter, pardon my French but what a 'oui nee wimpey', that means wimpy weenie in Amercan Rock. Next Reagan and the contradictas and all that Oliver Stone stuff." Bullwinkle then stopped, raised his hoof in the air and drew a circle signaling for another round. "Don't get me worked up Rock."

"You're working yourself up, Bullwinkle."

Bullwinkle slammed down his Moosehead beer and continued. "Oh don't forget the Bushes. The first one, 'read my lips no new taxes', yeah right. And the second one, his mouth was his weapon of mass destruction. And Clinton never had sex with that woman. Right. Presidents don't lie. And then this guy we got now, Barama."

"It's Obama, Bullwinkle."

"Yeah, yeah I know Balack Obama. Obama care? I don't think so. You know Rock all these goofballs we've had as presidents and we're still the greatest country in the world. I just don't get it."

"It's simple Bullwinkle. That's because all the other countries have worst goofballs than we do. Everybody knows that the best goofballs in the world are made right here in the U. S. of A."

"I'll drink to that."

"Amen brother," said Rock as they chugged their beers.

B. Craig Grafton is a retired attorney whose stories have appeared recently in Romance Magazine, The Fable Online and Frontier Tales.

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